TheYellaBrick

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.

TheYellaBrick

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Republican Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

TheYellaBrick

When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...


A Mississippi rancher got into his pickup truck, drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9 years old, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."


"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"


"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Pa."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No sir, He went with Mom and Pa."


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Pa."


"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

TheYellaBrick

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them..

TheYellaBrick

RE: Health Care Proposal

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves..

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the proposal was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

This phlebotomist will draw her own conclusion...

TheYellaBrick

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely. :shock: ops: ops:

slowmotion

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?




Because if they fell forward, they would still be in the boat. :roll: :lol:

midsouthhotrods

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

oldandtired

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

zipper06

I'm not very good at this, unless i'm reminded of jokes while everyone is telling them.
But i'll give it a try.

This young couple living together, and the boyfriend has to work on sat. morning, so the girlfriend decides to go to some yard sales. At one yard sale she spys a beautiful bathroom door mirrow. She approaches the lady who having the yard sale and the lady tells her it's a very special mirrow, and magic. They agree on a price of $20.00 and the young girl takes it home and hangs it on the bathroom door. It being a particularly hot humid day she decides to take a shower before the boyfriend gets home from work.
No believing any of the magic stuff, but she decides to try it out. So she stands nekid in front of the mirrow and says mirrow,mirrow on the door make my boobs 44, low and behold her boobs started growing to the full 44"s. WoW! this was exciting. She was so excited that after her shower she decide to sit on the living room couch with her top off until her boyfriend comes home. He walks in the door and is amazed at what he sees. WoW where did those come from, she goes on to explain the mirrow purchase and explains how she ask for the large boobs. He says wow i gotta try that. So he strips down nekid and goes to the bathroom and stands in front of the mirrow. He says mirrow,mirrow on the door make my pecker touch the floor, his legs starts getting shorter and shorter

Zip.