BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN.
11-14-2009, 03:34 PM
#82
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,523
Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning barns, driving herds, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning barns, driving herds, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
11-16-2009, 03:37 AM
#83
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
A Mother's Wisdom
HOW TRUE !!!! TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS....
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________ ________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
HOW TRUE !!!! TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS....
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________ ________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
11-16-2009, 03:27 PM
#84
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Augusta, Ga.
Posts: 2,276
:shock: Cute. Sounds like he has the same Mom I do :shock:
Hey this reminds me of something. Do you know what a spatula is??
Now don't go looking it up!! How do you pronounce it? spa-tul-a.
It's a spat-u-la. My high school girlfriends mom had it on a small grocery list for her Dad. NOBODY in the store knew what it was. They had to go ask the Mgr what a spa-tula was!! We cried we laughed so hard.
Hey this reminds me of something. Do you know what a spatula is??
Now don't go looking it up!! How do you pronounce it? spa-tul-a.
It's a spat-u-la. My high school girlfriends mom had it on a small grocery list for her Dad. NOBODY in the store knew what it was. They had to go ask the Mgr what a spa-tula was!! We cried we laughed so hard.
11-16-2009, 03:55 PM
#85
Junior Member
JOURNEYMAN
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Fort Smith
Posts: 29
Grandson comes home 1 day and asks his grandmother, "Have you seen my pills"? They have LSD marked on them. Grandmother says,"Screw your pills! Have you seen the freaking dragon in the kitchen".
11-17-2009, 04:33 AM
#86
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
11-17-2009, 04:34 AM
#87
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
2009 Joke Of The Year
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
11-17-2009, 04:34 AM
#88
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
Senior health care solution--according to Maxine
Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered..
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered..
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
11-17-2009, 04:34 AM
#89
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
11-17-2009, 04:34 AM
#90
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
The Latest Collection.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.
**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************
If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has legal papers
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.
**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************
If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has legal papers