Chevyjunkie93

"DEFECTIVE STAMPS"
Stamp Malfunction

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

Chevyjunkie93

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give you all of your energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legsgot wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

ajk

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came by and flashed them. The first two nuns had a stroke the third couldn't reach.

TheYellaBrick

Speaking of Nun's, God bless 'em....


A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

taonindo

two drunk guys are walking down the road when they see a dog laying in a yard licking it self. the first guy says i wish i could do that. the second guy looks at the dog then sez to his buddy " i think you better pet him first"

fla1976

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John , in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John 's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Early)

Ron612

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times lasts year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husbands ribs, said "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one. "The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a complete recovery.

Ron612

Two Garbage Bags
>
>A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage
>bags behind her.


One of the bags rips, and every once in a while
>a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
>Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
>"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
>
>"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
>see if I can find them.


Thanks for telling me..."
>"
>Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?


You didn't steal it, did you?"
>
>"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
>right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
>a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
>garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
>Each time some guy sticks his "whizz" through the fence, I grab it and I say,
>'$20 or off it comes!'"
>
>"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
>Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
>
>"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

482

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an Old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'." ops: :shock:

slowmotion

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The
candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"