Subject: Old Lady's Letter to Bank
Letter to Bank Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank
has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In
due course, at MY
convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings
with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping #5. To transfer
the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To
leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to
you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less
prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -YA JUST GOTTA
LOVE US SENIORS !!!!! )
And remember:
Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so
it doesn't take much to set us off.
IN GOD WE TRUST