Once upon a time long ago there was a guy named Carl and he had a pig and a goat. The pigs name was Perry and the goats name was Tom.
Soon they wandered upon an old abandoned farm house. What do you think ole Carl saw standing there on the front porch? Spib, eating a pulled pork sandwich.
Carl looked at the pained expression on Perry the pigs face. Perry knew it was his long lost master he had ran away from to keep from being his next meal. So the pig got his best friend the goat to run as fast as he could and butt the master right in the but, wait maybe this was just a bad dream.
Its no dream Spib said, when i get up i may need to change the sheets and take some pennicyllin.
Just then, Bjuice pulled up in a 63 Vette and asked if anyone had Carl's home address and a shotgun. It seems Carl had forgotten to use a glove,,.....Thus cutting his hand badly on the barbed wire fence.
Bjuice was so mad that he got the shotgun and Carl's address and hopped the first goat to the racetrack and when he arrived it was a circle track and all he could find was Avery.
Avery told Bjuice that Carl did not hang out at circle tracks and that Carl would not take to kindly to him having that shotgun.
Later, after Bjuice watered his goat, he set the valve lash on his Hemi powered Yugo and set off to find Donn who said he would help him find a very nice sling-shot to replace the thong he had ruined riding the goat.
Once he hooked up with Donn, they set out to find Carl again.
They knew he was in Idaho, but Carl had learned that Bjuice was coming and had gone underground.
Ash called Donn and told him he knew a way to smoke Carl out and to get ahold of an old spare truck (v-eight) hose pipe and a gallon of Marvel Mystery Oil..Donn said this is the way he use to smoke out bugs in Flordia but they were not in Florida so it would not work. They were now in Indiana and Donn talked like a yankee now so they knew that it was time to go back and see if Ash had the Doobie Brothers on the 8-track and the stash out of the glove box.
But Ash was on to their Marvel Mystery Oil smoking and thought that he'd play real cool-like and said sorry boys the fuzz confiscated my tape and smoked up my stash....all the while looking at the expressions of the two, because he knew Donn was capable of just about anything now that he had dealings in Las Vegas and all the thugs that hung out with Hammertime, in fact that is how he got his name.
Now Hammertime was a usually mellow guy unless you messed with his left ear. He lost part of it when a horse bit it off. Hammertime was on a job for the mob when he stopped at the "Mustang Ranch" and one of their horses just had to have a bite of ole Hammertime and he really got off easy considering the horse was Mr. Ed the famous actor and retired gun slinger.
Now ole Hammertime let Mr. Ed have it right in the kisser and left with his ear a bleedin and an achin in his heart to see his ole buddy "lookingaround" that lived way down in Tennessee and was a doctor of sorts in proctology.
Not to say he was a certified medico, but he had certainly spent enough time playing with is own Pee-lolly..his mom and dad told him to slow down on the pee-knuckle that it would cause him to go blind...but ole "Lookingaround" said "ahhh i will do it until i need glasses"..then he went and got the peanutbutter and then proceeded to yell for the dog, telling him this is the way you get a dog to look like he is talking.
Just then wvhippie pulled out his papers and started rolling a fly swatter,as he turned to smack the smile off the pig,There is a knock at the out house door and it was jbsjunk and ole zip ah wantin in to have a tug on that ole "fly-swatter". Now wvhippie,being the generous kinda guy he is, said.."Go on, have a "fly-swatter" on me!" But zip took a whif of that, he knew( as well as jbsjunk did) that the "good s#*t" was just that!
Carl, in the mean-time was planning his next big adventure. He had always wanted to drive Bjuice's hemi powered Yugo while sipping on a Screw-driver. So Carl placed a call to Perry for some help. In no time Perry was there.
Spib was also called in on the plan, because they needed his expertize in tubbing a lawnmower.
Now spib knew what to do, but he also knew that ash could make that lawnmower run low 10's in street trim.
So, spib got ash on the phone and asked if he had seen Carl's nuclear-powered torque wrench. Lying, Ash said "Nope, not this week."
Because we ALL know that Ash lies about torque wrenches, Spib also then knew that a 9-second lawnmower was in the works.
Now, being a laid-back Buick guru, Pat's phone rang impatiently while he put the finishing touches on his 455 c.i. bug smoker. (from the original design by Donn, no less) Answering his phone, Pat instantly knew it was LIVELY! LIVELY SAID HE HAD HIS GASSER ALL SET UP AND WANTED A GRUDGE RACE AGAINST THE NOW FAMOUS QTRMILE2.
HE ALSO MENTIONED THAT HE NEEDED TO USE THE NUCLEAR TORQUE WRENCH TO FIX ANOTHER SHORTBLOCK HIS FREIND
said it was gunna be mighty tough to take out the old man with the 4 speed Camaro. But they would have to get a hold of the mighty Dynoblow and Bowers Racing Engines and see if they had any special secrets they could pull out their a$$ in engine building and a truck load of the experimental "Loctite" so off they went to the auto parts store.
Perry didn't like being laughed at so he called the twins to bring him his Sniper rifle
and he would do the rest.
Meanwhile back in Idaho, Carl had just met alscoupe at the airport and explained his situation with Perry, Tom, The goat and the pig, and was hoping al would give him a hand corraling the farm animals being he was a Tennessee country boy and all. But alas, Al gave all that up as a kid and moved to the coast, besides, the airline took his guns.
Hearing a hemi powered lawn mower in the distance, and fearing Bjuice might be closing in, the unlikely duo set out in search of a blown bbc riding lawn mower with a seat for the goat and the pig.bjuice wearing his now famous "comfortable numb t-shirt" could be seen in the horizon singing she will be coming around the dog house. No one but bjuice knew what that meant, but no one worried as they knew he was comforably numb.
When all of the sudden out of the blue, Mike E. pulled up in his etec powered front engine dragster and told Perry to get the twins before it started raining pigs and goats.Out of the blue,Topsportsman pulled up in his rat powered Omni. Now Tom, being the wily,Geritol niffing kinda guy that he is, knew that if Donn was gonna survive the bitterly-cold Indiana nights, he was gonna have to share his Geritol.
"What a sad state of being we're in." thought Tom. These guys are just going to have to bury the hatchet and get along! Perry was well on his way to see the wizard about getting a five gallon
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